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Mad Scientist's Advice Column

11

 

Dear Mad,

I took out

my assistant’s brain

and replaced it with a gerbil

I then crammed plutonium

into the brain

and am using it to power my mini fridge

but it’s a low wattage brain

and my ice cream is getting soft

what should I do?

~ Frosty Fred

 

Dear Frosty

mini fridges can be tricky

have you tried

making a giant ice laser

and just freezing the whole city?

10

 

Dear Mad Scientist

 

hello

I have become invisible

and I can’t turn back

I am so sick of being ignored

its driving me crazy

please help!

~ Desperate Shadow

 

If you or someone you know

needs advice from the Mad Scientists Advice Column

please contact us

we are happy to help

no question is too strange!

9

 

Hello Mad Scientist

 

I am having money problems

no one I have talked to

wants to finance my research

to make giant lettuce golems

do you have any advice?

~ Pennyless Paula

 

Dear Pennyless

 

I suggest finding

an out of the way location

like an old mansion

and complete your research on your own

and then

one by one

take your revenge on those small-minded fools

who couldn’t see your genius

8

 

Dear Mad Scientist

 

I was horribly disfigured

in a lab accident

and now my girlfriend

won’t talk to me

she simply screams

and faints when I come over

what should I do?

~ Putrid Pete

 

Dear Putrid

 

is she pretty?

what’s her name?

maybe I should take her out to dinner

what kind of flowers does she like?

7

 

Dear Mad Scientist

 

our facility recently had the opportunity

to dissect an extraterrestrial being

however during the dissection

many of the creature’s organs

began to move autonomously

and attacked several surgeons and guards

those attacked quickly mutated

and began attacking others who also mutated

currently the base is on lockdown

can you offer any advice?

~ Major Mistake

 

Dear Major

 

I would suggest

selecting two unlikely

but noticeably more attractive

volunteers to develop

a romantic interest with one another

while fleeing from the creatures

as their fellows are killed off one by one

and then when it is clear the base can’t be saved

they should narrowly escape

while the base self-destructs behind them

 

but be sure the explosion

doesn’t destroy

all of the mutated specimens

you may wish to recreate this experiment later

with of course more explosions and less plot

6

 

Dear Mad

 

after years of research

I have perfected

my shrink-suit!

but I’ve run into a problem

I can’t seem

to re-enlarge myself

what should I do?

~ Little Lewis

 

Dear Little

 

that is some predicament!

perhaps you should come to my laboratory

I have numerous inventions

which have tiny screws

in need of tightening

you would be a great help!

5

 

Dear Mad

 

my hypnotism ray

only works on gerbils

is it possible

to conquer the world

using only gerbils?

~ Mesmer Marcus

 

Dear Mesmer

 

you’ll never know unless you try!

4

 

Dear Mad Scientist

 

my microwave broke

so I used my

radioactive death ray

to pop my popcorn

but the popcorn mutated

into hundreds

of crazed butter flavor corn vampires

~ Tinkering Tim

 

Dear Tinkering

 

why didn’t you just fix your microwave?

as for the popcorn mutants

try garlic salt

3

 

Dear Mad scientist

 

my composite

pig gorilla man

escaped!

and he took

my best pair

of tap shoes

what should I do?

~ Patchwork Pat

 

Dear Patchwork

 

have you considered samba?

2

 

Hello Mad

 

help!

I am cornered

in my greenhouse

by giant

carnivorous

marigolds

there’s no way out!

~ Bizarre Botanist

 

Dear Bizarre

 

you should never

start out

by feeding carnivorous marigolds people

they develop a taste for it

and simply cannot be trained after that

instead

you should start with small mammals

and build up to people

1

 

Dear Mad Scientist

 

I don’t understand

the sock puppets

nailed to my wall

they seem to be speaking

in a cross between

Swedish and Portuguese

and spots of light

help!

~ Crazed Chemist

 

Dear Crazed

 

open a window

let the rest of the world

breathe deep

but

if you’ve already suffocated and are dead

from the symptoms described

you won’t stay that way

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