Mad Scientist's Advice Column
11
Dear Mad,
I took out
my assistant’s brain
and replaced it with a gerbil
I then crammed plutonium
into the brain
and am using it to power my mini fridge
but it’s a low wattage brain
and my ice cream is getting soft
what should I do?
~ Frosty Fred
Dear Frosty
mini fridges can be tricky
have you tried
making a giant ice laser
and just freezing the whole city?
​
10
Dear Mad Scientist
hello
I have become invisible
and I can’t turn back
I am so sick of being ignored
its driving me crazy
please help!
~ Desperate Shadow
If you or someone you know
needs advice from the Mad Scientists Advice Column
please contact us
we are happy to help
no question is too strange!
​
9
Hello Mad Scientist
I am having money problems
no one I have talked to
wants to finance my research
to make giant lettuce golems
do you have any advice?
~ Pennyless Paula
Dear Pennyless
I suggest finding
an out of the way location
like an old mansion
and complete your research on your own
and then
one by one
take your revenge on those small-minded fools
who couldn’t see your genius
​
8
Dear Mad Scientist
I was horribly disfigured
in a lab accident
and now my girlfriend
won’t talk to me
she simply screams
and faints when I come over
what should I do?
~ Putrid Pete
Dear Putrid
is she pretty?
what’s her name?
maybe I should take her out to dinner
what kind of flowers does she like?
​
7
Dear Mad Scientist
our facility recently had the opportunity
to dissect an extraterrestrial being
however during the dissection
many of the creature’s organs
began to move autonomously
and attacked several surgeons and guards
those attacked quickly mutated
and began attacking others who also mutated
currently the base is on lockdown
can you offer any advice?
~ Major Mistake
Dear Major
I would suggest
selecting two unlikely
but noticeably more attractive
volunteers to develop
a romantic interest with one another
while fleeing from the creatures
as their fellows are killed off one by one
and then when it is clear the base can’t be saved
they should narrowly escape
while the base self-destructs behind them
but be sure the explosion
doesn’t destroy
all of the mutated specimens
you may wish to recreate this experiment later
with of course more explosions and less plot
​
6
Dear Mad
after years of research
I have perfected
my shrink-suit!
but I’ve run into a problem
I can’t seem
to re-enlarge myself
what should I do?
~ Little Lewis
Dear Little
that is some predicament!
perhaps you should come to my laboratory
I have numerous inventions
which have tiny screws
in need of tightening
you would be a great help!
​
5
Dear Mad
my hypnotism ray
only works on gerbils
is it possible
to conquer the world
using only gerbils?
~ Mesmer Marcus
Dear Mesmer
you’ll never know unless you try!
​
4
Dear Mad Scientist
my microwave broke
so I used my
radioactive death ray
to pop my popcorn
but the popcorn mutated
into hundreds
of crazed butter flavor corn vampires
~ Tinkering Tim
Dear Tinkering
why didn’t you just fix your microwave?
as for the popcorn mutants
try garlic salt
​
3
Dear Mad scientist
my composite
pig gorilla man
escaped!
and he took
my best pair
of tap shoes
what should I do?
~ Patchwork Pat
Dear Patchwork
have you considered samba?
​
2
Hello Mad
help!
I am cornered
in my greenhouse
by giant
carnivorous
marigolds
there’s no way out!
~ Bizarre Botanist
Dear Bizarre
you should never
start out
by feeding carnivorous marigolds people
they develop a taste for it
and simply cannot be trained after that
instead
you should start with small mammals
and build up to people
​
1
Dear Mad Scientist
I don’t understand
the sock puppets
nailed to my wall
they seem to be speaking
in a cross between
Swedish and Portuguese
and spots of light
help!
~ Crazed Chemist
Dear Crazed
open a window
let the rest of the world
breathe deep
but
if you’ve already suffocated and are dead
from the symptoms described
you won’t stay that way
​