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Mad Scientist's Advice Column



Dear Mad,

I took out

my assistant’s brain

and replaced it with a gerbil

I then crammed plutonium

into the brain

and am using it to power my mini fridge

but it’s a low wattage brain

and my ice cream is getting soft

what should I do?

~ Frosty Fred


Dear Frosty

mini fridges can be tricky

have you tried

making a giant ice laser

and just freezing the whole city?



Dear Mad Scientist



I have become invisible

and I can’t turn back

I am so sick of being ignored

its driving me crazy

please help!

~ Desperate Shadow


If you or someone you know

needs advice from the Mad Scientists Advice Column

please contact us

we are happy to help

no question is too strange!



Hello Mad Scientist


I am having money problems

no one I have talked to

wants to finance my research

to make giant lettuce golems

do you have any advice?

~ Pennyless Paula


Dear Pennyless


I suggest finding

an out of the way location

like an old mansion

and complete your research on your own

and then

one by one

take your revenge on those small-minded fools

who couldn’t see your genius



Dear Mad Scientist


I was horribly disfigured

in a lab accident

and now my girlfriend

won’t talk to me

she simply screams

and faints when I come over

what should I do?

~ Putrid Pete


Dear Putrid


is she pretty?

what’s her name?

maybe I should take her out to dinner

what kind of flowers does she like?



Dear Mad Scientist


our facility recently had the opportunity

to dissect an extraterrestrial being

however during the dissection

many of the creature’s organs

began to move autonomously

and attacked several surgeons and guards

those attacked quickly mutated

and began attacking others who also mutated

currently the base is on lockdown

can you offer any advice?

~ Major Mistake


Dear Major


I would suggest

selecting two unlikely

but noticeably more attractive

volunteers to develop

a romantic interest with one another

while fleeing from the creatures

as their fellows are killed off one by one

and then when it is clear the base can’t be saved

they should narrowly escape

while the base self-destructs behind them


but be sure the explosion

doesn’t destroy

all of the mutated specimens

you may wish to recreate this experiment later

with of course more explosions and less plot



Dear Mad


after years of research

I have perfected

my shrink-suit!

but I’ve run into a problem

I can’t seem

to re-enlarge myself

what should I do?

~ Little Lewis


Dear Little


that is some predicament!

perhaps you should come to my laboratory

I have numerous inventions

which have tiny screws

in need of tightening

you would be a great help!



Dear Mad


my hypnotism ray

only works on gerbils

is it possible

to conquer the world

using only gerbils?

~ Mesmer Marcus


Dear Mesmer


you’ll never know unless you try!



Dear Mad Scientist


my microwave broke

so I used my

radioactive death ray

to pop my popcorn

but the popcorn mutated

into hundreds

of crazed butter flavor corn vampires

~ Tinkering Tim


Dear Tinkering


why didn’t you just fix your microwave?

as for the popcorn mutants

try garlic salt



Dear Mad scientist


my composite

pig gorilla man


and he took

my best pair

of tap shoes

what should I do?

~ Patchwork Pat


Dear Patchwork


have you considered samba?



Hello Mad



I am cornered

in my greenhouse

by giant



there’s no way out!

~ Bizarre Botanist


Dear Bizarre


you should never

start out

by feeding carnivorous marigolds people

they develop a taste for it

and simply cannot be trained after that


you should start with small mammals

and build up to people



Dear Mad Scientist


I don’t understand

the sock puppets

nailed to my wall

they seem to be speaking

in a cross between

Swedish and Portuguese

and spots of light


~ Crazed Chemist


Dear Crazed


open a window

let the rest of the world

breathe deep


if you’ve already suffocated and are dead

from the symptoms described

you won’t stay that way

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